Boundaries are part of the framework in how we build healthy relationships. Just as trust, honesty, consistency, commitment, and understanding are important characteristics in any healthy relationship, boundaries are also key elements. Healthy boundaries are set in place for the safety and protection of others. Without boundaries, there are many opportunities to hurt others in physical, emotional, verbal, or mental ways. It is also important to model healthy boundaries for others. Children are often very aware of how we treat each other and may imitate what they see. If setting boundaries is taught and established in children at an early age, it can become a healthy part of building relationships throughout their lifespan.
In order to respect others’ boundaries, one has to be aware of what those boundaries are. It’s helpful to have open and honest conversations about expectations in various aspects of the relationship. Although initial communication is important, these expectations may need to be revisited from time to time if they are not being respected. Respecting someone’s boundaries means adhering to specifics of how they want to be treated and what makes them most comfortable. If those boundaries have not been clearly stated, it’s appropriate to ask for further information in order to understand and act accordingly.
Boundaries can be both emotional and physical. Healthy emotional boundaries can include being able to share feelings and emotions with a person without fear of being harmed or being made to feel poorly for doing so. It is also good if, as we communicate these feelings, the other person is emotionally available to be receptive. It is important to know that one is being heard. It is also safe to have developed a trusting relationship with a person before becoming emotionally vulnerable with them.
Physical boundaries are important as well. There is much value in knowing what we are comfortable with when it comes to sharing physical space and touch. Being aware of the space we share with someone and communicating our boundaries can keep ourselves and others physically and emotionally safe. It’s important to communicate where and how we are willing to spend time with someone in a sexual or non-sexual relationship. Physical boundaries may include but are not limited to: sitting or standing next to each other, touching, holding hands, hugging, kissing, sexual activity, etc.
Creating and maintaining boundaries is often easier said than done. Some may have difficulty identifying their wants and needs. That makes communicating them to someone else a challenge. Developing self-confidence and self-respect increases our ability to feel and know that we deserve to be treated with respect by others. Then we are able to communicate our boundaries. Still there are times when boundaries in a relationship are not respected. This may cause a person to decide if they should continue their relationship or not. Disrespect of another person’s boundaries can negatively impact a previously positive relationship. Just as we expect others to honor our boundaries, we have to be willing to respect another person’s boundaries.
If a person does not set boundaries in their life, they can start to experience feelings of anger, overwhelm, or anxiety while caring for the needs and wants of others yet making no time for their own. Failing to set personal boundaries may also cause resentment towards others. One may feel disrespected when one has not set boundaries to be respected. If a person like this develops a bad attitude, they may find that people don’t care to be around them as often.
Some boundaries that can be set with friends and family include when you spend time with them and how often, what activities you do together or which ones are off limits, what topics you have conversations about, and what language (positive or harmful) you use to talk with each other. Poor boundaries may include people talking to one using hurtful language or derogatory words, showing up in one’s space (ex: home or workplace) unannounced, volunteering one for a task or job that one did not agree to in advance, or holding one to expectations that were not communicated or that one did not agree on.
It is always important to set boundaries in a respectful manner. Using clear and polite forms of communication will allow others to be receptive to the boundary one is trying to set. It can be helpful to use “I” statements versus “you” statements as well as firm statements when setting boundaries so that the feedback is best received. For example: “I am comfortable with sharing certain things about my personal life” or “I am not able to spend time weekly with you, but I can be available every other week to get together.” There may be times where one is able or willing to be flexible with a boundary, but it is good practice to remain consistent so that others know what to expect.
Boundaries, whether in our personal or professional activities, are essential to living a healthy life. They help us build and maintain relationships throughout our lifespan. Although boundaries are not always easy to communicate, with the proper tools, one can implement boundaries on a daily basis. Understanding our wants and needs and displaying confidence in our communication of boundaries lets others know how to interact with us. By observing and respecting others’ boundaries helps us to relate better with those we encounter.
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